It has been an interesting, challenging and joy filled week. Monday morning I finally got the call :) my sister was finally in labor! A very long day later I finally had a new niece. I love both my sisters and thier baby girls (my other sisters baby is 4.5 months old) but it brings up my own issues. While I wont bring up my sisters stories I'll just say it is hard to see those you love following in your past footsteps when looking back those footsteps are so far off the path I wish I would have been on. Some of the issues they brought up for me were choices I made, some of it was medical and just hard to know they had to go through some of the same things (everyone is happy and healthy just minor setbacks on the medical front)
The story of my son starts with a bit about me and his fathers relationship. To tell you the truth we weren't together when I conceived, we had been just shortly before for almost a year but I had kicked him out due to his issue with drugs. But it was easier to keep sleeping with him then to move on with my life. Then I did something I swore I would never do, I got back together with him for the sake of the baby. I even eventually pressured him into proposing to me, but even then I didn't bother to even start planning for a wedding, we were to busy fighting all the time. We were broken up far more than we were together, but I still had this idea that one day he would figure it all out and we would be the couple that beat all the odds. I say that he needed to figure things out because that's how I felt at the time, now I realize that even if he had been Mr. Perfect I still have my own issues to work out.
The first 6 months of my sons life me and his father were on again off again. I didn't bond with my son as a baby, in fact when me and his father finally split for good when he was 6 months old I was ready to give him up for adoption. That really hurts me to say now, but it is the truth. It was a few years before I learned how to love my son (or really anyone for that matter). The first few years of my sons life I spent looking for someone to babysit while pretending to be be a good mother.
Now I do consider myself a good mother, I'm not perfect by far, I still have my own issues that I know affect my son. But the difference is now I know I have issues, I recognize the affect they have on my son and I try to do the best I can to minimize their impact. The hard part now is not being able to protect him from the rest of life. This morning my son told me about how much his dad hurts his feelings, he hasn't seen his dad in almost a year now and I know that hurts him, but today he was talking about when he does drugs. Me and my son have talked about his dad doing drugs before, my son understands that his dad loves him but right now can't see him because of the hold drugs have on his life and we pray for him every time it comes up. It still hurts me though to know he is hurting... any ideas on how to help him through this would be much appreciated.
Friday, 17 June 2011
Thursday, 16 June 2011
Learning About Love
One of the first classes I took at my church was a marriage repair weekend, sounds odd since I wasn't in a relationship, but my pastor encouraged singles to attend. It has been one of the best classes I have ever taken. While the retreat was focused on how to reconnect with your spouse it also addressed some of the things to look for in a Christian relationship. While it should go without saying that both people need to be Christians, that had never occurred to me before that (I was still a very new Christian). Then even further is they should be close to the same level of believing. Makes sense that it would be hard on a relationship if one person wants to go to church every weekend and the other only wants to go when they have nothing better to do. This also got into talking about how you should either be on similar paths in life or both willing and able to adjust paths. Does any of this mean you will have a perfect relationship? Not by a long shot, but it does make it more likely you will be able to weather the storms that come.
A concept that was talked about that weekend has really stuck with me. 'To love, honor and OBEY': Long ago my mother warned me to omit the word obey, and it seems to be mainstream in our society now to slightly change the vows so it never had to be said. I gotta admit, the concept of complete submission to my husband brought up mixed reactions in me; on one hand I had always been submissive in a bdsm sense, but on the other hand being submissive to anyone really went against my upbringing of being a strong independent female (and to say I can be headstrong is putting it mildly). In the news recently it was noted that in the royal wedding that the word obey had been replaced, that and some other things in my life got me thinking about this concept again. I have been engaged twice (though never married) and I gotta admit the idea of ever obeying in those relationships would have never happened. I guess the word obey to me is equaled to trust, I need to be able to trust that the person that I submit to. For me now, I will refuse to get married until I have a relationship with that level of trust.
The other side about learning about love is learning to love myself. In high school I was always a little overweight, after high school though I started having real issues controlling my weight. Looking back this is also when my emotional health started taking a nose dive and I started looking for something to complete me. At one point in time a few years ago I was doing really well losing weight, but yet again another disappointing relationship put me back to self loathing and regaining the weight. It has taken me a long time to get to the point that my weight no longer determines my self worth. I still want to lose weight for both my looks and my health but it no longer determines my ability to be loved.
Now my challenge is trying to figure out how to connect again. In high school and as a young adult I was miss popularity, at some point I started pulling away from my superficial friends, to the point that by the time I became a believer I didn't have any left. As my healing process first started I was determined to become the extroverted girl I once was, turns out this is easier said then done. My big light bulb moment was in taking a healthy relationship class, the pastor made a comment that sometimes the most popular people feel most alone and that quite often they have the most superficial relationships. WOW talk about a smack in the face, this was me, I was the superficial one! So I want to get back to being extroverted but how do I do that without going back to the popular lonely girl I was? And how do I date? Dating for me always followed some sort of physical relationship, how do I start a relationship without getting physical? That was the part I knew, how do I start a relationship without that? I've never learned that!
Now it is really important to me, there is a guy at church that I want to get to know better. I think he may even be interested in me too, but I have the feeling that he may be going through some of the same issues. To top it off there is a deadline on figuring this out, he will be moving away for school soon. I don't know if he is coming back for summers or if he is coming back at all. I know it probably sounds like I should just move on seeing as how we have nothing started and for us to have something will be a challenge. But somehow I think this is the direction God is leading me in. I have now had 3 different people at church tell me that he would be perfect for me (this is after I noticed him, but before I had mentioned him to any of them) I have also had a lot of people pray for a husband for me when I have asked for prayer for things completely unrelated.
A concept that was talked about that weekend has really stuck with me. 'To love, honor and OBEY': Long ago my mother warned me to omit the word obey, and it seems to be mainstream in our society now to slightly change the vows so it never had to be said. I gotta admit, the concept of complete submission to my husband brought up mixed reactions in me; on one hand I had always been submissive in a bdsm sense, but on the other hand being submissive to anyone really went against my upbringing of being a strong independent female (and to say I can be headstrong is putting it mildly). In the news recently it was noted that in the royal wedding that the word obey had been replaced, that and some other things in my life got me thinking about this concept again. I have been engaged twice (though never married) and I gotta admit the idea of ever obeying in those relationships would have never happened. I guess the word obey to me is equaled to trust, I need to be able to trust that the person that I submit to. For me now, I will refuse to get married until I have a relationship with that level of trust.
The other side about learning about love is learning to love myself. In high school I was always a little overweight, after high school though I started having real issues controlling my weight. Looking back this is also when my emotional health started taking a nose dive and I started looking for something to complete me. At one point in time a few years ago I was doing really well losing weight, but yet again another disappointing relationship put me back to self loathing and regaining the weight. It has taken me a long time to get to the point that my weight no longer determines my self worth. I still want to lose weight for both my looks and my health but it no longer determines my ability to be loved.
Now my challenge is trying to figure out how to connect again. In high school and as a young adult I was miss popularity, at some point I started pulling away from my superficial friends, to the point that by the time I became a believer I didn't have any left. As my healing process first started I was determined to become the extroverted girl I once was, turns out this is easier said then done. My big light bulb moment was in taking a healthy relationship class, the pastor made a comment that sometimes the most popular people feel most alone and that quite often they have the most superficial relationships. WOW talk about a smack in the face, this was me, I was the superficial one! So I want to get back to being extroverted but how do I do that without going back to the popular lonely girl I was? And how do I date? Dating for me always followed some sort of physical relationship, how do I start a relationship without getting physical? That was the part I knew, how do I start a relationship without that? I've never learned that!
Now it is really important to me, there is a guy at church that I want to get to know better. I think he may even be interested in me too, but I have the feeling that he may be going through some of the same issues. To top it off there is a deadline on figuring this out, he will be moving away for school soon. I don't know if he is coming back for summers or if he is coming back at all. I know it probably sounds like I should just move on seeing as how we have nothing started and for us to have something will be a challenge. But somehow I think this is the direction God is leading me in. I have now had 3 different people at church tell me that he would be perfect for me (this is after I noticed him, but before I had mentioned him to any of them) I have also had a lot of people pray for a husband for me when I have asked for prayer for things completely unrelated.
Wednesday, 8 June 2011
Learning to believe
Becoming a believer was hard, really hard. It's not like someone was introducing a new idea to me, that made it harder, I had a serious hate on for God. It was like someone trying not only to convince me that gravity didn't exist, but to test that theory by jumping off a cliff!!! So why become a believer if I didn't actually believe yet? I guess for me a big part of it is I wasn't happy with life the way it was so I didn't really have much to lose. Even more importantly I needed to believe that there was hope.
When I first started this journey I was pretty hopeless, not like it was obvious to those who knew me, but on the inside I was a mess. On the outside my life looked pretty good: A well paying stable job, a great kid, lots of friends. The truth was I resented most things about my job. It was a good thing I was working for my dad because I wasn't getting anything done. I didn't truly understand that people actually had a bond with their kids, I thought everyone was putting on a show. As for friends I didn't have any, I knew lots of people and would party with them, but when I needed to call someone I just stared at my phone because I had no one to call. While I drank and smoked pot, neither one was a huge concern in my life, I mostly just liked to party because it was my way of connecting to people.
So when I started trying to be a Christian it was hard, if I partied I sinned, if I didn't I was alone. James became my lifeline at this point. I don't really know how to describe our relationship. We talked every night for hours, he would talk about our future on a regular basis, but he didn't actually want to date me and if we saw each other it was because we ran into each other at the bar. I had a love hate relationship with him, I wanted him to love me and I hated it that he didn't. I can't blame him, I didn't even like myself, how could I expect someone to be responsible for being the center of my universe? I'm not saying he doesn't have some of his own issues but still to this day I have enough of my own issues I don't need to focus on his.
So how does one make new friends when they are painfully shy, to old for the young adults group and working during the womens group? For me it was (is) a slow process. My church offers classes so I figured taking some of them would be a good way to meet people. I did meet some people this way, but for the most part these classes were mostly seniors as they were the people who had the time/interest in them. Not that I haven't become friends with quite a few of them, but they're not exactly what I needed. So how did I go about making new friends...mostly through my son who has introduced me to many of his friends parents.
When I first started this journey I was pretty hopeless, not like it was obvious to those who knew me, but on the inside I was a mess. On the outside my life looked pretty good: A well paying stable job, a great kid, lots of friends. The truth was I resented most things about my job. It was a good thing I was working for my dad because I wasn't getting anything done. I didn't truly understand that people actually had a bond with their kids, I thought everyone was putting on a show. As for friends I didn't have any, I knew lots of people and would party with them, but when I needed to call someone I just stared at my phone because I had no one to call. While I drank and smoked pot, neither one was a huge concern in my life, I mostly just liked to party because it was my way of connecting to people.
So when I started trying to be a Christian it was hard, if I partied I sinned, if I didn't I was alone. James became my lifeline at this point. I don't really know how to describe our relationship. We talked every night for hours, he would talk about our future on a regular basis, but he didn't actually want to date me and if we saw each other it was because we ran into each other at the bar. I had a love hate relationship with him, I wanted him to love me and I hated it that he didn't. I can't blame him, I didn't even like myself, how could I expect someone to be responsible for being the center of my universe? I'm not saying he doesn't have some of his own issues but still to this day I have enough of my own issues I don't need to focus on his.
So how does one make new friends when they are painfully shy, to old for the young adults group and working during the womens group? For me it was (is) a slow process. My church offers classes so I figured taking some of them would be a good way to meet people. I did meet some people this way, but for the most part these classes were mostly seniors as they were the people who had the time/interest in them. Not that I haven't become friends with quite a few of them, but they're not exactly what I needed. So how did I go about making new friends...mostly through my son who has introduced me to many of his friends parents.
Monday, 30 May 2011
Some History
I can never remember not knowing about God, church and Sunday school were part of my life. As a baby I was baptized Catholic and went to a Catholic church all through elementary school. At some point we changed to a Presbyterian church, but in the end I really didn't know the difference. I can't say any church is bad, just my experience with them. By the time I was a teenager I was in our church youth group, now I know most are no where near what mine was, but let me just say it was bad. We only ever volunteered at a place once, because we would never be asked to come back. Don't get me wrong, I loved our group while I was in it, it just didn't exactly have any sort of Christian standards.
My parents brought us to church for the good morals, I know lots of parents do this, but I'm not sure it didn't do me more harm than good because all I saw was the hypocrisy of bringing us to church without truly being a believer. So this is a lot of what I saw the church to be growing up, a bunch of people who didn't believe who wanted me to believe??? I didn't get it. To top this off there was also everything we hear about the church in the news; How could the church possibly be a good thing?
At one point I got engaged to a bouncer at my favorite bar ( I will write more on this another time ). When asked about our wedding plans he told everyone we were getting married in the Catholic church....over my dead body! We didn't go to church and neither of us were believers, but he wanted to do it for our parents sake (as it turns out none of them were really believers either). But to me it was saying our marriage would be a sham, as I didn't believe in the powers that were to marry us. Needless to say it was all moot point as we never got much past this point.
Fast forward a few years, I am now a single mother thinking I need to look into some sort of religion for my sons moral upbringing, I didn't realize until later the issues this caused for me. Well I had good intentions of looking into religion anyhow. Then I met a guy in the bar 'James', on a 1-10 scale he was an 11 and yet here he was not only talking to me but hitting on me, the shy fat girl. The short story is that night he mentioned to me that he attended church every weekend, and at that point I felt convicted, if this great guy went to church every weekend, maybe their was something more to it. In the end he never called, so it became a joke between me and my friends I was going to search every church in town to find him. As it turned out a few days later my neighbor invited me to her churches welcome bbq. While her church was not for me, it did start me on my search for a church that suited me. This was actually about me, not about some guy I met in the bar. As it turned out a few months later I ran into an old friend and as we tried to co-ordinate our schedules it turned out the best time for me to get together with her was at her church.
All I can say is I found my home. The very first sermon I listened to seemed to be directed just for me, so did the ones to follow. This church took the time to get someone to walk along side me, and guide my path as a new Christian. As it turns out I ran into James again, not in church,, but in the same bar I originally met him in.
My parents brought us to church for the good morals, I know lots of parents do this, but I'm not sure it didn't do me more harm than good because all I saw was the hypocrisy of bringing us to church without truly being a believer. So this is a lot of what I saw the church to be growing up, a bunch of people who didn't believe who wanted me to believe??? I didn't get it. To top this off there was also everything we hear about the church in the news; How could the church possibly be a good thing?
At one point I got engaged to a bouncer at my favorite bar ( I will write more on this another time ). When asked about our wedding plans he told everyone we were getting married in the Catholic church....over my dead body! We didn't go to church and neither of us were believers, but he wanted to do it for our parents sake (as it turns out none of them were really believers either). But to me it was saying our marriage would be a sham, as I didn't believe in the powers that were to marry us. Needless to say it was all moot point as we never got much past this point.
Fast forward a few years, I am now a single mother thinking I need to look into some sort of religion for my sons moral upbringing, I didn't realize until later the issues this caused for me. Well I had good intentions of looking into religion anyhow. Then I met a guy in the bar 'James', on a 1-10 scale he was an 11 and yet here he was not only talking to me but hitting on me, the shy fat girl. The short story is that night he mentioned to me that he attended church every weekend, and at that point I felt convicted, if this great guy went to church every weekend, maybe their was something more to it. In the end he never called, so it became a joke between me and my friends I was going to search every church in town to find him. As it turned out a few days later my neighbor invited me to her churches welcome bbq. While her church was not for me, it did start me on my search for a church that suited me. This was actually about me, not about some guy I met in the bar. As it turned out a few months later I ran into an old friend and as we tried to co-ordinate our schedules it turned out the best time for me to get together with her was at her church.
All I can say is I found my home. The very first sermon I listened to seemed to be directed just for me, so did the ones to follow. This church took the time to get someone to walk along side me, and guide my path as a new Christian. As it turns out I ran into James again, not in church,, but in the same bar I originally met him in.
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