It has been an interesting, challenging and joy filled week. Monday morning I finally got the call :) my sister was finally in labor! A very long day later I finally had a new niece. I love both my sisters and thier baby girls (my other sisters baby is 4.5 months old) but it brings up my own issues. While I wont bring up my sisters stories I'll just say it is hard to see those you love following in your past footsteps when looking back those footsteps are so far off the path I wish I would have been on. Some of the issues they brought up for me were choices I made, some of it was medical and just hard to know they had to go through some of the same things (everyone is happy and healthy just minor setbacks on the medical front)
The story of my son starts with a bit about me and his fathers relationship. To tell you the truth we weren't together when I conceived, we had been just shortly before for almost a year but I had kicked him out due to his issue with drugs. But it was easier to keep sleeping with him then to move on with my life. Then I did something I swore I would never do, I got back together with him for the sake of the baby. I even eventually pressured him into proposing to me, but even then I didn't bother to even start planning for a wedding, we were to busy fighting all the time. We were broken up far more than we were together, but I still had this idea that one day he would figure it all out and we would be the couple that beat all the odds. I say that he needed to figure things out because that's how I felt at the time, now I realize that even if he had been Mr. Perfect I still have my own issues to work out.
The first 6 months of my sons life me and his father were on again off again. I didn't bond with my son as a baby, in fact when me and his father finally split for good when he was 6 months old I was ready to give him up for adoption. That really hurts me to say now, but it is the truth. It was a few years before I learned how to love my son (or really anyone for that matter). The first few years of my sons life I spent looking for someone to babysit while pretending to be be a good mother.
Now I do consider myself a good mother, I'm not perfect by far, I still have my own issues that I know affect my son. But the difference is now I know I have issues, I recognize the affect they have on my son and I try to do the best I can to minimize their impact. The hard part now is not being able to protect him from the rest of life. This morning my son told me about how much his dad hurts his feelings, he hasn't seen his dad in almost a year now and I know that hurts him, but today he was talking about when he does drugs. Me and my son have talked about his dad doing drugs before, my son understands that his dad loves him but right now can't see him because of the hold drugs have on his life and we pray for him every time it comes up. It still hurts me though to know he is hurting... any ideas on how to help him through this would be much appreciated.
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