Becoming a believer was hard, really hard. It's not like someone was introducing a new idea to me, that made it harder, I had a serious hate on for God. It was like someone trying not only to convince me that gravity didn't exist, but to test that theory by jumping off a cliff!!! So why become a believer if I didn't actually believe yet? I guess for me a big part of it is I wasn't happy with life the way it was so I didn't really have much to lose. Even more importantly I needed to believe that there was hope.
When I first started this journey I was pretty hopeless, not like it was obvious to those who knew me, but on the inside I was a mess. On the outside my life looked pretty good: A well paying stable job, a great kid, lots of friends. The truth was I resented most things about my job. It was a good thing I was working for my dad because I wasn't getting anything done. I didn't truly understand that people actually had a bond with their kids, I thought everyone was putting on a show. As for friends I didn't have any, I knew lots of people and would party with them, but when I needed to call someone I just stared at my phone because I had no one to call. While I drank and smoked pot, neither one was a huge concern in my life, I mostly just liked to party because it was my way of connecting to people.
So when I started trying to be a Christian it was hard, if I partied I sinned, if I didn't I was alone. James became my lifeline at this point. I don't really know how to describe our relationship. We talked every night for hours, he would talk about our future on a regular basis, but he didn't actually want to date me and if we saw each other it was because we ran into each other at the bar. I had a love hate relationship with him, I wanted him to love me and I hated it that he didn't. I can't blame him, I didn't even like myself, how could I expect someone to be responsible for being the center of my universe? I'm not saying he doesn't have some of his own issues but still to this day I have enough of my own issues I don't need to focus on his.
So how does one make new friends when they are painfully shy, to old for the young adults group and working during the womens group? For me it was (is) a slow process. My church offers classes so I figured taking some of them would be a good way to meet people. I did meet some people this way, but for the most part these classes were mostly seniors as they were the people who had the time/interest in them. Not that I haven't become friends with quite a few of them, but they're not exactly what I needed. So how did I go about making new friends...mostly through my son who has introduced me to many of his friends parents.
I can pretty much understand EXACTLY how you feel. Although I am married, my husband is Army and has been gone for over a year now. I have a young son who has become my everything, the world that my sun revolves around. There have been many times I've picked up my phone, just needing someone to talk to, but didn't have anyone. I'm really trying hard to make friends but, more often than not, I feel like an outcast.
ReplyDeleteLife is terribly hard, but I know that I'm incredibly blessed. When you start feeling down, pick up your Bible and just start reading. I've learned the hard way that God is the only one that will NEVER let you down.
And here is a song that I've been finding very helpful lately. It reminds me to thank God for everything, the good and the bad.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r0CHgM1u2Js
Put your faith and trust in God. He'll hold your hand through it all.